I don't think that I will ever forget January 2, 2009. It was on that day that I heard Noah's heartbeat for the first time. It is the day that things got really...well real for me. I mean listen, I knew that my wife was pregnant but at this point I had not felt him kick and the pictures from the ultrasound still had a certain "alien" quality to them. My wife could feel Noah moving around and her body was changing, I didn't have anything to go on. When I heard his heartbeat it changed for me because I was experiencing it as well.
It was also on January 2, 2009 that my Mom passed away after living with cancer for 18 months. Noah would never get the chance to meet his Nana. My mom knew that my wife and I were expecting (my parents were the first to know), I can still see the expression of joy on her face when we told her. It was about a month later that my wife and I received our first baby gift, a stuffed bear, it was from my mom. That bear is sitting proudly in Noah's nursery. I look forward to the day when I can give Noah this bear to play with (its still taller than Noah at the moment) and tell him more about his Nana.
I'm sad that I can't have a conversation with my Mom about parenthood. Don't get me wrong I talk to her often and think about her daily. I'd just love to hear what she thinks about it all. I have to believe she is smiling down on me and sometimes laughing, especially when I'm getting spit up on or changing gross diapers (payback or karma). I'm certain that she would love this kid to pieces. I know that I can do a good job because I was fortunate to have good parents. The way they raised me is how I intend to raise Noah. I want to make her proud.
Noah may not ever know his Nana but I will make sure he knows everything about her.
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Ian,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you aren't able to share this wonderful experience with your Mom. But you're right- her legacy was raising you to be the wonderful young man you are and equipping you to be the warm, caring father that you've become. And I have no doubt that she is watching you learn to parent that little guy and smiling down on you with pride & joy!! What a great way to honor her! Blessings to you!
Susan Rebhun
I think you're well on your way towards the "making her proud" part. If all young fathers put as much care, commitment, devotion and attention into parenting as you do, the world would be a better place. Although we can't always control the circumstances into which our children are born, and sadness is frequently mingled with the joy, Noah is undeniably fortunate to have been born into such a loving home. You and Rachel inspire all of us.
ReplyDeleteIan, I've enjoyed your postings so much, and you will be so glad that you took the time to record these treasured moments. Wish I had done more of the same!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your first paragraph so well, since Lucas was adopted and I too didn't have that changing body to make it real. May 9, 2004 was my "heartbeat" day---and suddenly I grew an invisible umbilical cord that couldn't have been any more "connected" if it had been physically there. So cool that you remember that day!
And I've often grieved that Lucas will not know Roger's parents, but fortunately Roger is a fantastic storyteller, and the supper table rocks with laughter from his childhood tales. I'm quite positive that Noah will absorb your memories so that Grandma Linden is no absent stranger in his life.
Reading your daily updates has been such a treat. Thanks for sharing!